she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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