oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
