I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
