I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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