Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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