I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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