The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
