Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
