I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
