literally had 100 drinks last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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