I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We left an ass print on the piano.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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