I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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