its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
