i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
