Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
