Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
