i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
