My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
