Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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