i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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