I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
How's work?
Spinning.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize