I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
