The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My breasts were aching with rage.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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