Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
