I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
