just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
