Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
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