Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
