Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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