Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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