It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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