just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
