Well apparently he's into motor boating.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
