i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
