my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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