I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
