just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
