you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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