Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
