You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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