I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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