Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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