I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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