Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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