Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
