you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
