I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
