apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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