Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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