we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
