I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The ass gains better be worth it
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