i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
