Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
