yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
